I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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