my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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