booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
