Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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