I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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