oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
