Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
