last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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