Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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