Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
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