You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
