I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
