I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
