It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
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The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
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why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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