I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
