It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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