I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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