Don't make out with my wife yet
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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