I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Threesome in a minivan. New low
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
