Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I want to be your penis for a week.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
