Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
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