i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
