In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
