i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
