I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
