I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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