genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Randomize
