seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
