Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I need to sanitize my soul.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
