i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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