Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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