I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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