So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
