i jhust puked up my retainher.
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
