Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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