I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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