i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
