Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
