Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
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