sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
