I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
