Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
