I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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