I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize