You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
