Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
