I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
