Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
