mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
