too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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