Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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