What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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