Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I think I have vodka in my lungs
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
