mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
