I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
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I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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