I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
i think im in europe. pls send help
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
