where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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