We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize
